Grateful for the Process

I strive to be honest in my life, writing, and social media presence. What people see is me, the real me. That's how I want it to stay. Sometimes I'm happy, enthusiastic, and ready to conquer anything. Other times, I'm just treading water until the rescue boat comes. Right now I'm in the rescue boat, safety jacket on, and wondering when land will come in sight. It is sort of a middle ground, I guess you could say. Another period of waiting. (For those of you who read these posts regularly, you know how much I love those...) This metaphor for life I present to you is not just accurate of my life, but of my writing. I'm either cruising with story ideas jumping out this way and that, words flow faster than I can type, and characters developing with beautiful arcs or stagnant watching a manuscript be turned down, emails remaining unanswered, and writer's block staring back at me. Well, that's the business of writing unfortunately. It's a game of waiting, which as I mentioned before, I love doing...

Truth is, I get discouraged. My mind spirals down the "what if" staircase. I doubt why I write. I doubt what I write. I doubt if I should write. My phone case constantly reprimands my doubt with a Sylvia Plath quote, "The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." I can confidently state that she is correct. I haven't been able to write in my manuscript for months. I tried until I hurt more trying to write than not. Instead, I focused on my college essays and poetry for my Instagram page. At first, I approached them as an excuse to not write my new manuscript. Then I realized I was doing myself no favors and changed my approach to my studies. It was no longer an escape but training for my creative process, my technical skills, and understanding of the fundamentals of English and writing. I was forcing my mind to write on command, follow a prompt and create with my own writing style. My English professors were really helpful at showing me my strengths and weaknesses, encouraging me in my writing, and in life.

This summer an opportunity to submit my first page of an unpublished manuscript in a writing contest came up. I'll admit I wasn't going to submit anything. I had submitted my first page of my favorite manuscript to similar contests many times and nothing. There was an option to submit the first page of several unpublished manuscripts. So I thought I would just choose from my other manuscripts and protect my favorite manuscript from another disappointment. A swift change of heart reminded me that I was being ridiculously self-critical and I needed to submit that particular manuscript as well as the others. Well, I did and months later forgot I had even submitted to the contest until a Facebook notification popped up with a comment a fellow writer tagged me in saying, "Congratulations!" After a few minutes of confused investigating, I realized that I shared third place in the fiction category of the first page writing contest...with the first page of the manuscript I wasn't even going to submit. 

It was a humbling moment and an uplifting moment. I honestly didn't know how to react. It almost didn't happen. I almost cheated myself out of the opportunity. I am so grateful for this blessing. It rekindled a hope inside that the full manuscript will one day be a book on a shelf. There is a renewed desire to create and write stories. Jesus used it to remind me to not live in doubt. I am determined to persevere through the waiting and oh, how I am grateful for the process! So much growth. So many lessons. So much more to come.

Thank you Jesus for being with me in my writing and in my waiting. Thank you friends who have helped critique, brainstorm, and edit this manuscript (especial the first page, which I struggled with). Thank you Inspire Writers for the lovely gift you have given in sharing the first page of A Thief's Honor. https://www.inspirewriters.com/great-openings-contest-fiction-equal-3rd-place-a-thiefs-honor-by-jasmine-schmidt/